Help for people who want to like people who talk too much.
BEFORE WE START: If you have never wanted to like someone who talks too much, then please stop reading now because what I have to say might make you so angry you will want to talk too much about how much you hate me.
I occasionally experience a commonly occurring condition.
Perhaps you have experienced it too.
It’s called logorrhea.
Logorrhea is a tendency to extreme loquacity, which is defined as “the fact of talking too much.” You can think of it as “diarrhea of words.”
Logorrhea per se is no more a problem than is diarrhea. Diarrhea is a fact of life as is is loquacity. I don’t have diarrhea all the time, but I do sometimes.
Here’s a question: Where do problems lie?
Do you think hunger is a problem? Think again. We all get hungry. If we didn’t, one day we might die out of forgetfulness. Hunger is a solution to the problem of knowing when we need food. Lack of food can be a problem, but only when there is a lack of food.
Similarly, diarrhea isn’t a problem unless there isn’t a solution, i.e. an appropriate place to take a dump.
That said, people even occasionally taking a dump in socially inappropriate places isn’t a problem on the scale of a health hazard. It’s a matter of cleaning up after yourself.
I wouldn’t call the police if you looked like you were going to take a dump on my front lawn. Rather, I’d invite you in to use my facilities. After all, by the time the police arrive it will be too late for you to use their facilities.
Nobody really has a problem of talking too much. Talking is self-limiting. I haven’t heard of anyone who talks so much they can’t sleep or eat and eventually they die. It’s more likely that if they can’t sleep or eat and they are talking about the problem causing insomnia which might be a lack of food. If you want them to shut up, feed them, put them in bed, and hug them until they fall asleep.
If you think my friend, Hedy, has a problem with talking too much, that problem is in your head, not her mouth. If, after the first few hours, someone who doesn’t need to be somewhere else were to walk away in disgust, I’d say, “The problem isn’t with the words coming out of her head, it’s with you tiring of letting her words into your head. You don’t have attention deficit, do you? Come back. I’ll buy you another triple shot. She’s just getting started.”
BTW, The first time I met Hedy, it was at 10AM at a street fair in a sleepy fishing village in Cornwall, England. She was a total stranger, and even though we had other plans, we ended up talking to each other continuously until 7PM that night. We were like two alcoholics on a bender. It was wonderful.
I don’t want to never have diarrhea. Diarrhea is just a natural reaction to a need to rapidly get something out of my body through the far end of my digestive tract. If my body wants something out of it now, so do I. Why would I intentionally hold back? (Now that I think about it, I’m not sure there is a differences between “me” and my body. Do you? But I digress.)
Logorrhea is just a need to rapidly get words out of the brain through the near end of my digestive tract that serves double duty. When that happens, it is also not a problem; it is a need.
When I get logorrhea, it is usually because my brain needs to storm or my “me” might need to get something off its chest. Either way, sometimes my words need to get out of my head, stat, or I’ll get sick.
“Why can’t you keep your thoughts and your rants to yourself?” You might ask.
Huh? If I could keep diarrhea in, it wouldn’t be diarrhea. Likewise, logorrhea is only logorrhea if you can’t keep it in.
And for it to come out, it has to come out out loud. Silently talking to myself isn’t actually talking. It is more accurately called “thinking.”
The only people who get in trouble with “thinking too much” are the ones who never share their thoughts with anyone for fear someone might point out a flaw. It’s not good enough to know what your thoughts feel like. Some people hypnotize themselves into insanity by repeating the same absurd thoughts over and over because their thoughts feel good. Some of my most off-the-wall thoughts are the ones that feel the best. Speaking of which, you will never believe how hot I look in a bathing suit on a nude beach until you see it for yourself.
To keep your thoughts from turning into gibberish, you need to hear what your words sound like going into your ears after coming out of your mouth. Even writing in a diary doesn’t count; words seen on paper aren’t coming in through the ears.
And, if you don’t share your diary with anyone, shouldn’t you ask yourself, “why not?” We evolved language; we invented writing. We can hear a lie instantly, just like a scratch on a record (if you know what that is).
Not so a lie on paper. Written lies are much harder to spot. If you want to sell someone a lie, don’t actually “tell” it to them. Tell them the features and benefits but put the lies in the contract. This written lie-blindness is doubly true even if the lie is one you’re telling yourself; at least with a contract you know you should be careful whereas you want to believe what you believe.
If your logorrhea is about something important, your logorrhea is best heard from someone skilled at listening to logorrhea and analyzing it. I’ve observed that a few therapists claim to have good listening skills and you might discover a few of those few actually possesses it.
I’ve found it best to record my words as I dump them because if you ask me what I said right after saying it, I’ll often misquote myself. I’ve learned to give more weight to what I actually say and less to what I think I say because when the two aren’t the same, what I think I say could be more accurately called “what I now wish I had said now that I hear a truth I’m trying not to see.”
Too many people only do their logorrhea dumps in therapists’ offices. This is more expensive than effective because if you hold something in too long, something else is likely to come out. Or it might get stuck inside and you’ll have a blockage on the appointed hour when it is time to dump.
Also, it is hard to predict if everything will get out before your time is up. Logorrhea interuptus is an extremely painful condition. If someone suggests that in order to hold on until the next session, you take drugs (alcohol, cocaine, weed, SSRIs, antipsychotics, and/or hypnotics) merely to lessen the urge to dump, don’t expect the need for logorrhea to go away. And, expect some nasty side effects — not just from the drugs — but from holding in all the logorrhea.
Better than taking therapists appointments and drugs is to have understanding friends who can share the burden of letting you do your dumps in their presence and out of public view.
If you are a friend to someone like me, don’t you wish there were something like AL-ANON.ORG for you?
That’s why, after years of searching in vain, I’ve decided to create ON-AND-ON-ANON.ORG.
I hope to soon add suggestions on how to be a better friend to someone who talks too much.
In the meantime, perhaps what you’ve read so far will help you see “diarrhea of the brain” in a new light.
Or, maybe not.
It’s your choice to make, not mine to impose.
Brooke Allen 